“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or tax collector.” Matthew 18:15-17
The Bible tells us that if we have a problem with a fellow believer if they have sinned against us that we are suppose to first confront them privately just between the two of you, it isn’t until after you have attempted to confront them privately and then with a few witnesses that you should make your problem public.
Does this apply to our children too? So if someone’s child does something to harm your child shouldn’t you first go to that child’s parents with the issue and give them a chance to handle the situation and discipline their child?
With modern technology people can send and receive information in a matter of seconds and with this people have begun to vent their feelings publicly online. There are so many problems with this- one of them being that people no longer take the time to privately discuss their problems before they make them public. This causes hurt feelings and strained relationships, whether you name the person or not, especially when you post it somewhere that they can see it and you plan on confronting them about it later.
I am guilty of this myself; I often post things about my stepdaughter’s mother out of anger or strife because she has hurt my stepdaughter. Many times I realize it and quickly delete them and I always make sure that her and her children are unable to see them. Does this make it ok? I now know that it does not. I have tried to talk to her privately, we have even gone in front of a judge to try to resolve the issues- he told her she was wrong by only allowing her supervised visitation and she still feels that she has/is doing nothing wrong and justifies it. I feel like the only thing I have left to do is to vent my feelings so that I can deal with them and move on. Sometimes I need support from some of my friends (especially the ones who are in the same situation) in helping me to process the feelings but there are places to vent and seek help and guidance and places not to.
I need to try to work on dealing with my problems in the right place and to think about what I post before I post it… will you do the same? If someone has sinned against you or hurt you then first go to them and try to solve the problem, if that doesn't work then go to other people for help, guidance and support.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Forgiveness and Restoration
I have always had trouble with the whole forgiveness thing especially as it relates to some people in my life. How do I forgive someone who has hurt me or my family so bad? Am I suppose to continue to have a relationship or encourage my children to have a relationship with some one who has repeatedly hurt us or abused us? How do I keep allowing someone in my life or my kids' life when doing so only causes pain and suffering?
The Bible tells us " Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13 and it also tells us to protect ourselves " Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23
Forgiveness is giving up our right to get even. It is giving the problem to God and letting him handle the vengeance like he tells us to in Romans 12:19 " Do not take revenge, my friends but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay", says the Lord". We do not need the other person to agree to this or to do anything for forgiveness to happen. It is something that we do ourselves for ourselves because we don’t need or want to hold on to negative feelings which prevent us from growing and worshiping.
We can forgive but forgiving does not mean forgetting- past behavior is the best prediction of future behavior. So with out action to change then past behavior will just repeat itself. In order to earn a person's trust back who you have hurt you have to show through your actions that you are changing, that you will try your best to love them, respect them and not hurt them in the future.
We have to set boundaries in our life and with the people in our life, so that we don’t hurt them and they can’t hurt us. It could be just that you have to avoid a certain topic or limit your interaction to a certain amount of time. There are also people in our life who think that they did nothing wrong by hurting or abusing us, they justify their behavior or blame us for it and they do not think that they should have to treat us with love, respect and dignity. Sometimes we just have to eliminate these people from our lives. In order to fix the relationship and to restore it then a person has to admit that they or their actions hurt and caused harm and the injured person has to forgive them so that the needed boundaries can be put in place.
Luke 3:8-9 tells us "Produce fruit in keeping with Repentance. And do not begin to say to yourselves 'We have Abraham as our father' for I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham. The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire." We cannot just repent with words, we have to back our words up with actions, we have to make an effort to change and not cause each other harm again. In order for a relationship to be restored BOTH parties have to accept responsibility for their actions and work towards changing it and earn each other's trust back.
Of course no one is perfect we all screw up and probably will continue to make mistakes, we are human, the difference is being willing to admit your mistakes, to take action to fix them and to put forth an effort to try to make sure that they don’t happen again. You cant just say "I want a relationship with you" and do nothing to foster that relationship.
I can tell you that there are people in my life who have hurt me pretty bad and who I have hurt- some times repeatedly- but they are still in my life because I love them and I know that they love me and we have both been able to come forward and admit our faults and place boundaries in our relationship that allow us to continue to be part of each others lives. We both have come together and worked to earn back the trust and restore our relationship. Unfortunately there are also people who are (or were) in my children’s life and mine who have caused us extreme amounts of repeated pain. They are unwilling to admit they hurt us, they find anyway possible to justify their actions, they blame other people for what they have done and they do nothing to change it and to show that they are willing to do their part in order to restore the relationship(s). I am FINALLY able to understand that the only thing I can do is try to eliminate them from mine and my children’s life, I am ready to take the steps needed to do that and I trust God to help make sure that I am not forced to allow them to cause any further harm to me, my husband or any of the 4 children entrusted in our care.
The Bible tells us " Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13 and it also tells us to protect ourselves " Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23
Forgiveness is giving up our right to get even. It is giving the problem to God and letting him handle the vengeance like he tells us to in Romans 12:19 " Do not take revenge, my friends but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay", says the Lord". We do not need the other person to agree to this or to do anything for forgiveness to happen. It is something that we do ourselves for ourselves because we don’t need or want to hold on to negative feelings which prevent us from growing and worshiping.
We can forgive but forgiving does not mean forgetting- past behavior is the best prediction of future behavior. So with out action to change then past behavior will just repeat itself. In order to earn a person's trust back who you have hurt you have to show through your actions that you are changing, that you will try your best to love them, respect them and not hurt them in the future.
We have to set boundaries in our life and with the people in our life, so that we don’t hurt them and they can’t hurt us. It could be just that you have to avoid a certain topic or limit your interaction to a certain amount of time. There are also people in our life who think that they did nothing wrong by hurting or abusing us, they justify their behavior or blame us for it and they do not think that they should have to treat us with love, respect and dignity. Sometimes we just have to eliminate these people from our lives. In order to fix the relationship and to restore it then a person has to admit that they or their actions hurt and caused harm and the injured person has to forgive them so that the needed boundaries can be put in place.
Luke 3:8-9 tells us "Produce fruit in keeping with Repentance. And do not begin to say to yourselves 'We have Abraham as our father' for I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham. The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire." We cannot just repent with words, we have to back our words up with actions, we have to make an effort to change and not cause each other harm again. In order for a relationship to be restored BOTH parties have to accept responsibility for their actions and work towards changing it and earn each other's trust back.
Of course no one is perfect we all screw up and probably will continue to make mistakes, we are human, the difference is being willing to admit your mistakes, to take action to fix them and to put forth an effort to try to make sure that they don’t happen again. You cant just say "I want a relationship with you" and do nothing to foster that relationship.
I can tell you that there are people in my life who have hurt me pretty bad and who I have hurt- some times repeatedly- but they are still in my life because I love them and I know that they love me and we have both been able to come forward and admit our faults and place boundaries in our relationship that allow us to continue to be part of each others lives. We both have come together and worked to earn back the trust and restore our relationship. Unfortunately there are also people who are (or were) in my children’s life and mine who have caused us extreme amounts of repeated pain. They are unwilling to admit they hurt us, they find anyway possible to justify their actions, they blame other people for what they have done and they do nothing to change it and to show that they are willing to do their part in order to restore the relationship(s). I am FINALLY able to understand that the only thing I can do is try to eliminate them from mine and my children’s life, I am ready to take the steps needed to do that and I trust God to help make sure that I am not forced to allow them to cause any further harm to me, my husband or any of the 4 children entrusted in our care.
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